 If you have ever been bowling, you might know about the bumper rails they can put up on your lane. They create a barrier, making sure you will not have any gutter balls. All of the balls will stay on the lane and head towards the pins. Rails are also something we can give people to help them have the time they need to learn, and to continue moving forward. Parents do this when they start giving a child freedom. Here are the choices, here are the boundaries, here is what you need to know. It's not every detail, it's not a guarantee, it's not making all of the choices for them, it's giving them a space to be able to learn without falling off the path completely. We also do this with medical information, if you know the information is going to be a shock and the person is going to need time to adjust and comprehend the information. (And yes, a poor bedside manner is a possibility still in this example, and so is the insurance says you must decide in ten seconds.) But again, let's look at it overall, the bigger picture. Not everyone can process information and see out of the darkness, and into logical next steps. And not everyone has learned how to put their own rails up and move forward with their highest vibration. Let's look at some basic examples of how rails can be your own "security team" for your success. Funerals can be overwhelming emotionally, and they often happen pretty quickly before you even have a chance to process the loss. If you have a family with many of the closest relatives to the deceased who are addicts and alcoholics, in recovery or not, you don't plan a service at the local pub. The rails there are not going to help anyone. Now, say you are an alcoholic, and you are sober, and you are only one of many that would go to the wake, what rails have you put in place for your sobriety? What does your personal security team to stay sober look like? Maybe you are good, bars were never your thing anyway, and you have an actual support person you will attend with who is willing to just be there for you, and you can leave immediately if needed. Maybe they even take you right to a meeting after. Maybe you choose what is best for you is that you don't attend. You find another way to be there for the family, and yourself, and to pay your respects. Maybe you don't have rails, no one trusts your sobriety, no one trusts your behavior, and they lie to you. They don't tell you the correct when and where, or even tell you about the loss till after. Those are all pretty simple examples to understand, but let's be honest, everyday life and rails aren't always that simple to see and to sort. Part of maturing (which is different than just having more birthdays) is doing the work. What makes you tick, what makes you triggered, what makes you heal? And now the same sentences, but substitute who. Do it again with why and then with how. I will share some of my rails as examples. I do not watch blood splatter and gore movies. My brain, soul, and vibration don't need that. I am well aware from living my life that there is enough violence in the world, and to me, that is not entertainment; it is something that needs healing. I am not an alcoholic. But I never drink when I am angry, or sad, or feel like I need a drink. I don't do it, because I know that fuels the wrong way out of raising up from a situation and out of it. For me, I don't drink anymore anyway because of my health journey, and I am also always happy to be the safe person at an event that says Nope, I am good, thanks. Especially for kids to see that no, not all grown-ups need to have grown-up drinks every time they are together. And I never drink at fundraisers, but I always plan drinks when hosting one! Because even one drink loosens up those wallets, and people will spend more than they planned. However, I will on occasion drink a good margarita at a restaurant. What about that family member who is always a victim? My inner security guard that keeps me from enabling, or being drug into yet another endless poor me conversation is I don't answer the phone when they call, and messages get left on read. My rails are I will listen to the message, because there may be a rare reality issue, and I will read the messages, but I never immediately respond. And if I feel triggered by it, especially true for me personally in all issues that involve lies, then I set a timer to make sure I wait for at least a period of time before responding. Or I might say nope, that's a 24-hour calm-down. And a good rail reminder is you can archive a message, and then you don't have to see it, but it's there for later. And here is a rail almost all women need, and some men, and it took me decades to learn. I don't stop my life, my day, my goals, and put them all on hold to help you find all of the answers. Instead, I offer a door for when you are ready. Here is an example: someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship, she is in the car with the kids, she is finally leaving, and she wants to know where the nearest shelter is located. That's a stop, get the directions, the address, and help immediately. Different than, I know she's in a violent relationship, but he's sorry this time, and it will be different. That might look like here is what the cycle of violence is, and you have been here before, and next time he might kill you. A conversation that leaves a door for her to use if and when she is ready. Or she is kinda ready, kinda gonna think about a plan, maybe - here's a good resource, the domestic violence link, and a reminder about how search history can be tracked, and a library has computers you can use, etc. (Here is that link in case you need it, https://www.thehotline.org/ and it will open in a new window.) The Cycle of Violence  It doesn't do me any good to call all of the shelters to see how full they are, what legal support they offer today, what outside counseling, or inside counseling, is offered, how they protect kids in school, or with online learning, how their clothing pantry and food pantry work, etc. That's just wasting their time and energy and mine, my rails are, this sucks, here are a couple of doors, including I will help get you to a shelter when you are ready, or change the locks when he is in jail. And it might be a good reminder for me to remember, she may never leave, or never leave alive, and it's not me that kept her there, or abused her.
Where do you already do rails well? When do you need to do a better job with your rails? And are you using your security team, your boundaries, your rails to make sure you are always putting your oxygen mask on first, so that you can best serve yourself and others?
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |