You might not know what is best.

​​Very often I hear, I want to help my (insert a person here, child, spouse, friend, cousin) because they are (insert problem here need to get on/stay on meds, need to lose weight, exercise, stop drinking, leave their spouse) and it stresses me out so much because I know that (insert bad things will happen).  

How can I make him/her do it? 

You can't.  Step one, you can't, find some acceptance with that fact. 

Now if they are still a minor, sure you have a little more control over the issue.  But the reality is they are on their path, and you adding your stress and your worst case scenario, isn't helping them, or you.  

In fact you might be making the situation worse, or worse than it really is in their life.  

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​And most people don't like to hear that reality.  

But the truth is they are on their journey, their path, and they are going to have to make decisions in their own time.  And you probably don't have all of the facts.  

​I am going to use three examples that most people can understand, and then follow up with what you can do that is helpful. 

• You can't force a 30 year old alcoholic to stop drinking and get sober.  They may never get sober in this life.  It may take 7 tries at rehab. It might take moving away from family and friends that have enabled the drinking, or  have their own issues with addiction.  They may also get it the first time they go to rehab, or not until they do a long stretch in jail away from the access.  
• The person who is overweight, might not actually need more exercise and different foods. In fact they may not be eating enough calories, or they may have an illness they haven't shared with you.  It could be that treating the illness, the medication that is keeping them alive also causes water retention or weight gain.  And you talking about their weight and how to fix it, is not helpful at all for their mental, emotional or physical health.  
• In an emergency situation the person that brings more stress, anxiety and fear to the conversation, or the location isn't helping.  Think of a paramedic responding to an incident, what if they showed up saying omg look at you, so much blood, you could die! 

What actually helps?
​What can you do to be there for someone? 

​Heal your own journey and path.  Learn how to be calmer, more centered and remove yourself from being the only solution that exists, because you're not. 

If you believe that everyone has a guide, or an angel, start remembering that means them too, it's not everyone except them. 

Learn more about the issue, things that help, things that don't.  It really is a the more you know issue. 

Help show them where the open doors are, for when they are ready.  Check the resource page here, for some ideas.  Clicking here will open that page in a new tab. 

Make healthy boundaries, for your best life and hold to those.  This is often the hardest one, especially for a parent, so let's look at a couple of examples. 

• You are invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but you have to show up sober, and not drink while you are here. 
• I am not going to give you money, but I will buy you groceries so you have healthy foods in your home. 
• I am not going to call and wake you up each day so you can go to work, you are an adult.  I am happy to buy you an alarm clock. 

Our expectations and ideas aren't always the right ones.  And too often we don't really know the whole picture.  But you can keep showing up with love, support, and hope.  ​

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